Wish You Were Here

Warning: This is a very raw, graphic and candid entry straight from my heart.

It's a very bittersweet day in the Coblentz household. We are celebrating the beginning of my 18th week of our second pregnancy but mourning the loss of baby Ira Jude who was due to come into our lives today. I am so very thankful for the new life that is growing inside of me and for the hope that we have after the gut wrenching pain of loss. The months between our miscarriage and our next embryo transfer were filled with so many different emotions that I could never really express accurately. I had to give my body time to heal physically but emotionally we had a lot to process as well. Going through loss is not something you ever get over or fully heal from but choosing to cling to God and each other was the best option we could have chosen as we processed. We did things to bring comfort and closure to the memory of Ira. While each of those steps were the hardest things I've ever had to do and I dreaded and procrastinated them, I knew ultimately it would help to bring the healing we so desperately needed.

At our ultrasound appointment on Monday, February 6th, when I was told that I was having a miscarriage, I desperately hoped and prayed that I could pass this precious life in the comforts of my own home. The possibility of a D&C was suggested but after so many medical procedures already, I was just so done with even the thought of having to do that in such a horrific time. God so graciously heard my plea and after the unknown of waiting, a week later I knew it was time. Monday, February 13th, my body did what it was supposed to do and all the miscarriage stories I had read about, suddenly became a reality for me. Relief -- God heard my prayer. Numb -- Our first precious baby whom we have longed for so long is truly leaving us for Heaven. Chris was my knight and shining armor of a nurse that day. God bless him. So many questions -- Why us? Did I pass everything? Will I still need to have a D&C anyways? Two days later, I firmly believe God allowed me to pass something very tangible for the closure we needed. Hand in hand we held our precious firstborn for the first and last time.

Two days later, I made another trip to Shady Grove Fertility where they confirmed via ultrasound that I was able to move forward with treatment again after my body had time to heal.

Saturday, February 18th we had unusually warm temperatures for the end of winter and we were able to continue the process with healing as we chose to bury this precious life in our front yard. As I closed the lid on this jar and watched Chris begin to dig the most perfect hole ever, every fiber of my being SOBBED. No one should ever have to watch their husband dig their child's grave. 

As we both knelt down on either side of this memorial, we wept and held hands. We prayed that God would heal our hearts and bodies, and that He would bless this journey we found ourselves on. Quite frankly, just two exhausted people still filled with much determination but losing hope that this was ever going to move beyond disappointment and pain.

We knew right away we wanted to plant a Japanese Maple tree in this area as a remembrance to Ira but we waited until the weather got a bit warmer. On April 11th, we ventured to the local nursery to see what we could find. Nothing was quite right and I was getting frustrated because I just wanted to find the perfect tree. We walked to the back of the lot where nothing had been priced yet for the season and behold -- there it was! The perfect tree.

On Mother's Day after I shed many tears, we planted our special tree!

 

In June, we completed the new addition to our front yard.

And this was taken a few weeks ago after all the annuals I planted got full size. I LOVE looking out my front windows to see this beautiful reminder. I can't wait until the tree gets bigger. :)

God has been SO good to us through the ups and downs of infertility and miscarriage. I wouldn't wish these heartaches on anyone, but I know that we are both stronger people because of this journey we've walked and that our marriage is something I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.

Ira Jude -- Daddy & Mommy miss you so much and can't wait to see you again someday. <3

High on the mountain I will be lifting my voice...And in the valley I will be dancing for joy....

This is undoubtedly one of the most bittersweet things I’ve ever had to share my heart about. I’ve spent the last few weeks processing just how to go about this, and there just isn’t an easy or perfect way. This is my attempt to share our story of God’s provision for those who have been faithfully carrying us with love and prayer, yet all the while weeping deeply for those I know who are still in the painful waiting season.

I always felt like I have been a pretty patient person growing up but patience takes on an entirely new meaning when your hopes and dreams are put on hold for YEARS at a time. Waiting, hoping, with little to no answers of why you are being called to walk the road of infertility. Something that seemed so easy and normal for everyone else, turned into a very long unknown nightmare of trust like I’ve never known before. In the early years, we endured the “when are you going to have kids” teasing that for awhile seemed like it would never relent. As time continued to pass, people simply stopped asking and while it was a relief, there was no shortage of people in everyday life complaining about how hard their lives were with children. Something we so desperately wanted to experience and most seemed to be taking the blessings for granted.

For years we simply carried on with life, wishing and hoping that it would just finally happen and we could end the nightmare and get back to the life we had planned for ourselves when we said “I do” and walked down the aisle hand in hand to conquer our future together in October of 2004. Little did we know that our future of “for better or worse” would get extremely dark and painful at times when the months would continue to pass with the same news over and over again -- not pregnant. We walked through the birth of 5 nephews and 3 nieces. All precious gifts whom we love dearly, but so painful for us to process through.

In 2009, we had some basic testing done that left us feeling frustrated but not void of all hope. We continued on our own, desperately praying medical intervention wouldn’t be a necessity. Fast forward to the summer of 2012, we walked through the doors of Shady Grove Fertility to get a better idea of what we were looking at if we chose to go down that route. Unfortunately it was a very dark time for me personally and I went away feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. Angry. Bitter. Why me, God? You name it, I felt it. All I ever wanted was to marry my best friend and be a Mom. Why did this have to be such a monumental challenge I was called to overcome? Chris & I discussed our options but ultimately I still just wasn’t ready. I shut down and refused to believe I was strong enough to go through such an ordeal. ANOTHER 3 YEARS LATER. 3 YEARS!!! Summer of 2015, I was finally ready. Or ready as I’d ever feel. We walked back through those doors of Shady Grove Fertility with a new determination but an equal sense of sheer terror that if this was what God had planned for our story, we would make it happen somehow.

We endured more meds, shots, procedures, blood draws, and disappointment than I can even fathom. 9 treatment cycles and 1 miscarriage later, God has blessed us with the most amazing miracle of being pregnant once again. PRAISE THE LORD!! We are literally overwhelmed with joy and still pinch ourselves every day as we process this new reality that it FINALLY is our time! God’s timing is so much better than ours and we still don’t fully understand WHY we had to wait this long for our precious miracle but we do know that our journey, story, and testimony will not go to waste. Every 1 in 8 couples will go through this in some form or another, and I have every intention to walk along anyone I’m able, to hopefully help them navigate through what I thought I would never be strong enough to handle. And Jessie truly wasn’t strong enough, but allowing God to take my hand into the most terrifying season of my life and lead the way was a growing and stretching time that I could never do justice at putting into words. He is SO faithful. So truly amazing. The author of our dreams if we let Him.

To those of you who have taken it upon yourselves to intercede on our behalf for so many years, we humbly thank you and could never express just how precious you are to us. When the days grew long and dark, we were carried by such an amazing support system that we truly could never even begin to repay. Chris and I have shed so many tears for our children, and prayed harder for this miracle than anything we ever have before. We know many of you have done the same right along with us. We have been anointed, prayed for, prayed over and it is now OUR TIME for VICTORY & CELEBRATION that was declared over us years ago. Thank you, Jesus!

Fertility treatment is NO JOKE and it takes you on a roller coaster with more twists and turns than you could even explain to anyone who hasn’t endured it. If you ever encounter someone who is struggling to have children or going through treatment, I beg of you to intercede mercilessly on their behalf. I truly believe that the prayers of many (known & unknown to us) were what got us through each painful day. Sharing the news of our pregnancy in a public way is something that part of me really doesn’t even want to do because I know that it will probably ruin someone’s day (and probably several). When you’re walking the dark road of infertility, every single “my kids are driving me crazy bad day complaint”, pregnancy announcement, baby shower, or birthday party is just another knife to the heart. My sharing intentions are to give God all the glory for this miracle that He has so graciously blessed us with and to let all those hurting know that you’re not alone, and to hang in there.

I literally could write a book, and maybe someday I will do that but I just have one final shout out to send to my very deserving husband. Chris, my rock and my best friend, thank you for carrying this family when I felt like I couldn't even stand on my own two feet. Your quiet, steadfast support was the strength I needed when times were the darkest. You are the most compassionate and self sacrificing man I know who is already the best father our children could ever have. And folks, if you ever need a subcutaneous or intramuscular injection, Chris is a shot expert by now!

10 Years

9 Treatment Cycles

41 Blood Draws

35 Ultrasounds

166 Shots

Our IVF rainbow MIRACLE is due to arrive in February 2018!

To God be all the glory!

Hebrews 10:23 -- Let us hold UNSWERVINGLY to the hope we profess, for He who promised IS faithful.

Jesus, Be Near - We will NOT be shaken!

Jesus, You are SO good. In the midst of crushing heartache, You have mighty and good things to come for this Coblentz home. Thank you for who You are and all that You have blessed us with. What satan means for harm, we are claiming for GOOD.

Monday, February 6th. 3 weeks into receiving the happiest news of our lives... “I’m sorry, the gestational sac is now empty.” Miscarriage. YEARS of waiting for miraculous news never once having EVER received a positive pregnancy result until a few weeks prior, treading softly but expectantly for a total of 7.5 weeks. Three weeks of pure joy like we had never known before, now met with a very abrupt end and crushing blow.

Our infertility journey for many, many years was totally silent. A few years ago, we started to break the silence in small ways that would help us process and heal as we have endured the inevitable monthly rotation of grieving cycles. It has been freeing but also “invited” unwelcomed advice and hurtful comments from those who simply just don’t think before speaking. You name it, we’ve heard it. We have come to realize that’s human nature and part of life but has also made us keenly aware of the power that words have, unknowingly by what seems like a great percentage of the population. Some never seem to get it while others go above and beyond to show us they care in ways that leave us feeling blessed and so undeserving. For those close to us who have helped to carry us in the seasons we felt as though we couldn’t walk on our own, we are forever grateful and will never forget even the smallest acts of kindness and compassion.

If you are blessed with the sheer miracle of children, we beg of you to never take them for granted. Those days of parenting that are annoying and challenging? So many couples like us are PRAYING for days like those to be a reality and desperately wish to experience. Sadly, 1 in every 8 couples will experience infertility in some form or another.

Today, we pick up the pieces of this new experience we are wading through and try to figure out where we go from here. We refuse to believe our story is over, and we will cling to hope that our deepest and purest hearts’ desire to be parents will eventually come to pass even if the journey hasn’t looked anything like either of us had originally planned.

We have chosen to publicly proclaim God’s goodness in this way even through the pain and continual crushing blows, that sometimes feel they will never end for us.

If you’re walking through dark times, hang on. God is FAITHFUL. God is GOOD. God….IS.

Lord willing, tomorrow will come, and the next day…...and the next…….and we will get back up again and fight. Some days we’ll fight better than others, but we will NEVER stop fighting. The devil has no place in our lives and we will not let him win even down to the smallest of details.

The nursery that has already been painted will continue to be filled with hope, dreams, more tears, so much love, Jesus, and eventually LIFE.

We love you Baby Coblentz! We can’t wait to meet you someday. Those on this side of Heaven and those Jesus is holding closely for us.

2 Corinthians 4:8 - We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.

Romans 8:37 - No, despite all these things, overwhelming VICTORY is ours through Christ, who loved us.

In JESUS name, we claim that VICTORY! CELEBRATION, LIFE, & JOY.

In loving memory...
Ira (Watchful, Vigilant, Making Bare, Pouring out)
Jude (Praise, Thanks)
Coblentz