I don't have as much time to sit and write as I used to. The thoughts still flow, but rarely make it to documentation. Sometimes the emotions are so overwhelming that I just have to sit and see what comes out.
Infertility. There aren't really words to describe the pain that surrounds this topic that is so hard to even address. Some days are easier than others. Today was crushing. Another month. Another reminder that Ella has no siblings, and none in sight.
What is the reason for all this pain? Why is it so easy for most everyone else? I can't even fathom what it would be like to just "get pregnant". Why does my body feel so broken? Why are the avenues to expand our family SO expensive, invasive, and completely overwhelming?
I don't have the answers to these questions. Do I wish that I could see the end game? Yes. But I have to let it go. And TRUST. Trust that no matter how incredibly painful it is to face yet another month of unknown that God is STILL good. He WANTS us to have more children. HE WANTS us to be fruitful. HE IS GOOD.
Tonight, the walls around my heart couldn't contain the tears anymore. Ella asked me if I was sad. She doesn't understand, but she knows. She will be such a great big sister someday.
If you're wrestling tonight as I am, don't give up. Hang on. He's got me. He's got you. <3
