Wish You Were Here

Warning: This is a very raw, graphic and candid entry straight from my heart.

It's a very bittersweet day in the Coblentz household. We are celebrating the beginning of my 18th week of our second pregnancy but mourning the loss of baby Ira Jude who was due to come into our lives today. I am so very thankful for the new life that is growing inside of me and for the hope that we have after the gut wrenching pain of loss. The months between our miscarriage and our next embryo transfer were filled with so many different emotions that I could never really express accurately. I had to give my body time to heal physically but emotionally we had a lot to process as well. Going through loss is not something you ever get over or fully heal from but choosing to cling to God and each other was the best option we could have chosen as we processed. We did things to bring comfort and closure to the memory of Ira. While each of those steps were the hardest things I've ever had to do and I dreaded and procrastinated them, I knew ultimately it would help to bring the healing we so desperately needed.

At our ultrasound appointment on Monday, February 6th, when I was told that I was having a miscarriage, I desperately hoped and prayed that I could pass this precious life in the comforts of my own home. The possibility of a D&C was suggested but after so many medical procedures already, I was just so done with even the thought of having to do that in such a horrific time. God so graciously heard my plea and after the unknown of waiting, a week later I knew it was time. Monday, February 13th, my body did what it was supposed to do and all the miscarriage stories I had read about, suddenly became a reality for me. Relief -- God heard my prayer. Numb -- Our first precious baby whom we have longed for so long is truly leaving us for Heaven. Chris was my knight and shining armor of a nurse that day. God bless him. So many questions -- Why us? Did I pass everything? Will I still need to have a D&C anyways? Two days later, I firmly believe God allowed me to pass something very tangible for the closure we needed. Hand in hand we held our precious firstborn for the first and last time.

Two days later, I made another trip to Shady Grove Fertility where they confirmed via ultrasound that I was able to move forward with treatment again after my body had time to heal.

Saturday, February 18th we had unusually warm temperatures for the end of winter and we were able to continue the process with healing as we chose to bury this precious life in our front yard. As I closed the lid on this jar and watched Chris begin to dig the most perfect hole ever, every fiber of my being SOBBED. No one should ever have to watch their husband dig their child's grave. 

As we both knelt down on either side of this memorial, we wept and held hands. We prayed that God would heal our hearts and bodies, and that He would bless this journey we found ourselves on. Quite frankly, just two exhausted people still filled with much determination but losing hope that this was ever going to move beyond disappointment and pain.

We knew right away we wanted to plant a Japanese Maple tree in this area as a remembrance to Ira but we waited until the weather got a bit warmer. On April 11th, we ventured to the local nursery to see what we could find. Nothing was quite right and I was getting frustrated because I just wanted to find the perfect tree. We walked to the back of the lot where nothing had been priced yet for the season and behold -- there it was! The perfect tree.

On Mother's Day after I shed many tears, we planted our special tree!

 

In June, we completed the new addition to our front yard.

And this was taken a few weeks ago after all the annuals I planted got full size. I LOVE looking out my front windows to see this beautiful reminder. I can't wait until the tree gets bigger. :)

God has been SO good to us through the ups and downs of infertility and miscarriage. I wouldn't wish these heartaches on anyone, but I know that we are both stronger people because of this journey we've walked and that our marriage is something I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.

Ira Jude -- Daddy & Mommy miss you so much and can't wait to see you again someday. <3

S.W.A.P. Rewind

August 6-12, 2000 was a week filled with many great memories that I hope to never forget. I was 15 years old and had been so excited to go on a missions trip with fellow "Franklin Conference District Youth" friends. Several of the older youth had gone in previous years but you had to be 15 to participate so I couldn't wait until I hit that mark. The year finally came and we embarked on a billion hour van ride to Harlan, Kentucky. The outreach called "S.W.A.P. - Sharing with Appalachian People" takes groups in for a week at a time to work on homes that are falling apart in one form or another. My group consisted of Kara Lehman (youth group and lifetime friend) and two guys from New York whom we had never met before. Our task was to completely gut a bathroom for an older lady who was in desperate need of a bathroom remodel. This was her only bathroom so we all had to use the neighbors bathroom while we were completing this task. Not only did we get to know the lady we did the work for but we get to know the neighbor lady and her son as well. It was neat to relate to all of them in just the short time we were there. On our last day of work, I swapped addresses with them and have managed to keep in touch via snail mail over the years. The lady who we did the work for stopped corresponding a few years ago but the neighbor lady had continued to keep in touch. Shirley Elkins -- would you believe we even shared the same birthday? Over the years we would write when we could and swap birthday/Christmas cards on a regular basis. 

Fast forward to today. I received a hand written letter that had a return address of Frankfort, Kentucky but the person's name wasn't familiar to me. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach and upon opening the letter my suspicions were proved true. The letter was written by Shirley's oldest daughter whom I never had the opportunity to meet. She was writing to tell me that Shirley passed away suddenly. She began to tell me that Shirley always loved hearing from me and thanked me for keeping in touch with her. She ended the letter saying "She thought a lot of you." 

It's never easy to hear when someone passes but I took this letter particularly hard. I can't say where Shirley is today but I hope and pray she is rejoicing in Heaven with Jesus. The questions flooded my mind....

Did I say enough? Did I really make an impact on her life in a positive way? Did Jesus shine through my letters? Did the week I spent interacting with her almost 14 years ago make a Jesus impact on her and her son? Sobering to be reminded that all of our days are numbered and every interaction we have with others in this world are of serious eternal value. May I never take the power of my actions and words for granted and may Jesus SHINE BRIGHTLY through me in all that I do and say today and always.