3 Years Later

October 8, 2015 -- The day I started a daily journal that would recount our journey to Ella. These words flowed from my heart...

"And so the day has finally arrived. Another 36 days of painful waiting and I woke up to the color red. The unknown was killing me so there was a faint breath of relief and then the devastation of reality sinking in. Fertility treatments will now become a very real part of our lives. When our meds arrived a little over a month ago, I knew that this would probably be imminent but the glimmer of hope that they wouldn't be necessary always lingered. Deep in my heart I know that God's perfect plan for our lives is still unfolding and that this will all make sense in the end but it doesn't make the process any easier or the least bit fun. To say that I have complete peace would be a lie. I do feel much peace due to many people praying on our behalf, but it is all so terrifying and discouraging to me that we even have to be faced with this insane process. I want so badly for this all to be over and it hasn't even started yet but in the same token, I am grateful for the finances and the advanced medicine to even be able to attempt this. May God fill us with much peace, patience, and wisdom as we continue to tackle one day at a time. I know He doesn't call the equipped, but equips the called so here goes nothing. Just me...a scared senseless, shy girl praying for courage to finally hold my own miracle someday soon. Jesus, you are worthy of all praise and I thank you for this trial even though it's been a hard burden to carry. May YOUR name receive all the praise and glory when we finally reach the end of this very long journey."

TODAY, exactly 3 years later, we are CELEBRATING this amazing 7 month old precious miracle that I continually have to ask myself if she's even real.

Ella Jessica, you are one of a kind and the best thing that has ever happened to us! We are so thankful to finally have you here!

To anyone still waiting for their miracle, don't give up. You are STRONGER than you know. Keep fighting.

Mother's Day Prayers

The last nine and a half weeks of having Ella physically here with us has been nothing short of amazing. Words can't even describe how it feels to have her finally join our family after waiting so long and yet it feels like she's just always been with us. We can't imagine our lives without her! Our hearts burst quite possibly every single time we look at her precious face.

As referenced in my last post, I spent last Mother's Day planting a tree in honor of our precious baby in heaven. My body had healed from the miscarriage and we were gearing up for another round of treatment at Shady Grove Fertility. The meds had started for our FET (frozen embryo transfer) and we were anxiously awaiting for my body to be fully prepped so we could go get our baby! When you go through IVF and know that you have precious miracle babies just WAITING for you, it is an indescribable feeling. As I was processing all of the many emotions and feelings surrounding our loss and our anticipation for the future, these are the words that flowed from my heart...

Mother's Day Prayer May 14, 2017:

"My first Mother's Day. Jesus, thank you for life and breath to see this day through. Although this is not how I had hoped to spend this holiday, God has so much bigger ahead. Mighty blessings ARE coming. Through the grief and pain, He is so much greater. Today I am thankful for this crazy journey because of the person it has shaped me into. I never knew God could stretch me this far. I know the pain and lessons learned will be used to bless and HELP others someday. May Jesus be glorified through these ashes. To my dear sweet baby Ira Jude - I miss you and long to hold you someday. I know that Jesus is holding you so close and that makes me smile through the pain and tears. Today I lay down all the hurt resting on my shoulders from expectations and harmful words anyone has ever said regarding our infertility. Babies will run free in this home and Jesus will get all the glory and honor. Laughter will fill each and every room. Worship will flow abundantly and these walls will be a haven for weary souls of all kinds. Thankful, so thankful for what is to come. Amen."

Ella isn't running yet but her laughter bounces off the walls of our home and worship music is her happy place that has calmed her since we brought her home from the hospital. Having her here with me to celebrate Mother's Day this year brings so many joyful tears that I feel like they may never end! As I hold her in my arms each day and tell her just how very much we love her and how special and amazing she is, I am continually overwhelmed by God's goodness to us. Going through all the phases of fertility treatment (which eventually led to IVF, something I never ever thought I could do - physically and emotionally), having 6 unsuccessful cycles, a failed embryo transfer & surgery due to fluid complications, and then the miscarriage....it wasn't what we wanted for our journey to have children but it's the story God is writing through us and without Him, Ella wouldn't be here today!

Many women struggle to face Mother's Day with joy because of infertility and other reasons. For those that are missing little ones that should be here with you to celebrate and those longing to become a Mother, my heart and many prayers go out to you. This journey has brought people into my life that I otherwise wouldn't have met or had the opportunity to get to know in a deeper way. The days/months are long but the rewards of seeing pregnancies come out of fervent prayers for others who are walking a similar road is so special!