365 days of having Ella physically with us. One year like we have never known before. So much joy. Some days were taken minute by minute as we navigated so many new unknowns figuring out how to handle each crazy moment. As I sit here in tears, I am reminded why I haven't taken the opportunity to sit and gather these thoughts (and emotions - oh dear!) before now.
Our journey to Ella was long. When I think back to all the years without her, waiting what seemed like an eternity for her to become a reality in my womb, it feels like another life and that she's just always been with us somehow.
My pregnancy went well, filled with many tangible signs that Baby Coblentz was growing -- including a lot of trash can hugging along with heartburn (holy head of hair on that girl) and nightly numb hands. Challenges that I wouldn't have traded for the world knowing that I had prayed for such a time as this!! :) When I started nearing 40 weeks and everyone started saying how miserable it was at the end, those thoughts didn't really resonate with me. Yes, it gets uncomfortable but it was actually very sad for me to think about the days ending of having life growing INSIDE of me.
40 weeks came and went. The midwives told me that they would "allow" me to go until 42 weeks but would then have to be induced. 41.5 weeks and no signs of anything other than a super cozy wiggly baby. Our induction time was scheduled for 2 days later and thankfully was a day that our favorite midwife would be at the hospital. Praise!
March 7, 2018 -- The alarm went off at 5:45 AM. So many waves of emotions that are still so clear in my mind. Chris rolled over to hug me and we prayed together. Before our feet hit the ground I asked Chris if he was ready to go get this baby! He replied with "Yes! And you're going to do great!"
It was a teary morning as I treasured the last few hours of being home, feeling the baby inside of me. I wrote down these thoughts:
"Memories of this morning will be forever etched in my mind. Chris rolling over to hug me and the baby one last time. The most bittersweet feeling to know that this will be the last time for that but we will be holding this miracle so very soon in exchange for missing out on those wiggles. Through tears I blubbered out, “We will get to experience this again.” Chris agreed. Jesus, I’m calling forth and believing for more miracle babies. Do your thing. We love you and we trust you."
We got to the hospital shortly after 8 AM greeted by Shelby the great! :) A friendly, familiar face was such a welcome sight as we got off the elevator on the labor & delivery floor. Room #2021 would be our home for the day. When she asked if we were ready to do this, I said I was as ready as I'd ever be! She asked if she could pray for us and of course we said yes! Such a blessing to be able to calm the initial nervousness with a nurse who cared so deeply and loved Jesus. She got us settled into our room and I changed into my gown and socks. I checked out at about 2-3cm dilated and 80% effaced. They started my IV and the Pitocin at 2ml per hour. Chris had nothing better to do but do math of course and informed me at that rate, I would have 250 hours in that first bag. Definitely didn't work out that way by the end of the day since I was up to 29ml per hour.
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As the day progressed, they continued to increase the amount of pitocin. Mid morning when I was getting 6ml per hour, there was a little concern with the baby’s heart rate. It got fast and then slowed down. The monitor was having a hard time picking it up for a bit but all seemed to even out then. I started having to pee a lot and that was always a production getting unhooked and into the bathroom with the IV pole and the belly monitors strapped to me. Once things calmed down with the baby, they put a portable monitor on me and let me walk the halls. That went pretty well and by 3 PM I was 4cm dilated. Discouraging but I was thankful for some progress. Around 5 PM, Julie (midwife) checked me again, and I was still 4cm dilated but 90% effaced. She went ahead and broke my water at that point. Around 7 PM, I got out of bed and sat on a birthing ball for awhile. That's pretty much when I remember the contractions finally getting painful. Chris was so attentive and helpful through each phase of labor. It was very discouraging for me to be induced since I was hooked up to so many monitors and stuck in bed but we tried to make the best of it. About 2 hours went by and then I got back in bed trying to find positions that were comfortable with everything hooked up to me to monitor both the baby's vitals and mine.
March, 8 2018 -- Midnight. 6cm dilated. My body was losing ground quickly. I tried some pain meds to help get through the contractions but they basically just made me sleepy and ultimately led to requesting an epidural which I really didn't want to ever have. I didn't have a choice about having pitocin to induce labor but if I ever do, I will never request it. :( My body just wasn't capable of producing the normal pain response to the contractions since labor was happening artificially by the pitocin. So discouraging. I asked for the epidural around 1:30 AM but the anesthesiologist was helping in a surgery so it took about an hour for him to come.
After the epidural, I was still for about an hour while the contractions progressed me to 10cm. Once I reached that stage, they had me push for about an hour. I rested for 30 minutes or so and the midwife went to talk to the doctor. When she came back she said the baby wasn’t really moving down at all but that things were looking okay to keep pushing longer. I pushed for another hour and then they started discussing the need for a c-section. I asked if I could try for a little bit longer and they agreed to another 30 minutes or so. When the midwife went to talk to the doctor again, the doctor came in and checked me. I pushed a few times with her in the room and unfortunately she still was recommending a c-section because the baby still wasn’t progressing down the birth canal and the head was starting to get cupped.
I said I was okay with a c-section as the last resort but requested Chris pray over me first and allow me to try pushing a bit longer. I don’t remember much after midnight (Chris helped me document a lot of these details) but I do remember that specific time frame and hearing the worship music we had playing in the background. I don’t remember the words that Chris prayed but I remember feeling a peace that if I gave it one last shot and the baby still didn’t come naturally, that a c-section would be okay even if it wasn’t my first choice. After trying to push another 20 minutes unsuccessfully, a c-section was officially decided.
It took a bit for them to get me prepped and transferred to the OR. Chris got dressed in his fancy scrubs. They started me on antibiotics and then once they moved me, he had to wait in the hallway until they had me all ready to start the surgery. I remember being so out of it but had to be awake enough to answer their questions about what I could feel in my abdomen area as far as sensations. They had planned to go off the epidural for numbing but it wasn’t working out like they hoped so they had to sit me up and give me a spinal block. :( After they got my spinal done and laid me back down, Chris was able to come in and sit beside me. All that prep seemed to take FOREVER but once Chris finally was able to join me, he said within about 5 minutes they were pulling the baby out. 7:50 AM. Just 24 hours shy of when the induction process began, we finally got to meet our precious miracle baby!
Once we heard the most amazing baby cry, Chris looked over the sheet blocking my view of the surgery and said “IT’S A GIRL!”. Neither of us knew what to expect but I think the level of shock was high for both of us. :) So much emotion. After some vital sign checking, Chris was able to carry her across the room to me so that I could see her. I remember it briefly but was struggling to stay awake so much. Chris sat beside me with Ella about 5 minutes and then he went to the nursery with her while they finished patching me up. About an hour and a half went by between the time he left me and the time they left him come into our new room once they got me settled. I remember when I was in recovery, there was a familiar voice that said something like “this miracle baby is finally here!”. So confused at first, but quickly realized it was Brenda Eby taking care of me. That was a nice comfort as I laid there shaking like crazy. That was terribly scary (and so weird!). I was very ready for that to stop even though they assured me it was normal.
I remember Chris walking in with Ella saying he had someone who really wanted to see me again. As he handed her to me, it was as if I was in a complete dream world that couldn’t possibly be reality. He kissed my forehead and we cried together as we admired this beautiful miracle baby we finally got to hold. Those first moments being all together were so precious.
C-sections are no joke and the recovery was HARD. I wasn't able to get out bed without help for about a week and a half. Not the most ideal situation for needing to care for a newborn but we made it work! Chris was a knight in shining armor as always making sure Ella and I had everything we needed. I struggled for a long time feeling like a failure in regards to how labor and delivery went for me. I knew going into it that there could be a million different scenarios of how it could happen. I tried to mentally prepare for whatever needed to happen to get the baby here safely but it didn't really go anything like I had hoped. As I processed through all the new mom hormonal tears, I tried to let go of all the expectations I had on myself and embrace the crazy way Ella came into this world. A few months after, I read a blog that discussed how a birth plan can be basic or elaborate but in the end, it's just a plan, and is subject to change. In our case, a lot of change. When this change happens, it's okay to grieve the loss of the plan you originally hoped for and with time, work towards embracing the beauty of the birth story you did create! This was easier said than done for me but I'm learning. :)
Something that was absolutely one of the best decisions Chris and I have ever made was to hire a birth photographer. Lexi of F2 Photography IS amazing. She was at the hospital for more than 12 hours with us (going without sleep!!!), capturing every single detail for us so that we could live in the moment and focus all of our attention on bringing Ella into this world and experiencing those first uninterrupted moments with her. I truly can't say enough good about Lexi, her professionalism, or her beautiful work. I KNOW that the mental recovery from my birth story/c-section was greatly helped by all that she was able to capture so that I could process all the details and remember things through the pictures that my brain didn't retain. Seriously was worth every single penny.
Fast forward to TODAY. Ella turned one year old. My Mommy's heart just can't even take it. I'm not sure whether to laugh, cry, rejoice, dance, or curl up in the fetal position. What a year it has been! I have never depended on Jesus so greatly in my life. So many things out of my control that I just had to go with the flow! Definitely not in my nature. :) We learned quickly that Ella was 2 weeks overdue and warranted a c-section for a reason. Chris doesn't say much but when he does, you should listen. Very early on he spoke two words over Ella that could not be more accurate -- SENSITIVE & SPIRITED. Oh sweet Ella, you are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to your Daddy & Mommy and we love all the adventures we've had with you so far. Looking forward to so many more to come! Happy 1st Birthday, Ella Jessica!
